Trapezoids

 INT.  THE SET OF A POPULAR MORNING TALK SHOW - MORNING

SADIE MCKREE, 55, in a frilly blouse and pink skirt sits on a high chair with note cards in her lap.  DECLAN KANT, 52, sits on a high chair as well but in front of a table on which is a thumbscrew in which Declan’s thumbs are placed.  An eagerly obedient SECURITY GUARD, 35, stands at the ready.

CHIPPY MUSIC plays.

SADIE

And welcome back.  We’re here with Tony-winning Actor Declan Kant, who stars in a revival of Death of a Salesman, opening on Broadway this week.  Declan, good morning!  Thanks for joining us!

CHIPPY MUSIC fades.

Declan hesitates to respond until the security guard glowers at him.

DECLAN

Glad to be here with you, Sadie.

Security Guard glowers at him again.

DECLAN

Thanks for having me on.

More glowering

DECLAN

I appreciate it.

(beat)

I really, really do.

SADIE

It seems that we’ve been seeing a lot of you these days.  Just two days ago you were on Tucker’s show talking about the most holy of dogmas in the Trans Community, gender identity.

No words.

SADIE

Right?

Silence

Sadie signals to the guard.  The guard puts his hands on the dials of the thumbscrew.  Declan immediately starts talking.

DECLAN

Yes, yes, I was, Sadie.  You are right.

Sadie signals to the guard that he should stop, and he does.

Sadie looks at her note cards.

SADIE

You had this to say about gender identity:

(reading)

“Gender identity is an empty concept.  Every time it is defined in law, the result has been laughable circularity.  For instance, Massachusetts defines it thus, ‘gender identity is a person’s gender-related identity.’  If I had defined, say, a trapezoid as a trapezoid related-thing, my Geometry teacher would have marked me down.  This is just silly.”

(putting the note cards down)

There’s been a lot of backlash to this.  I am just wondering where you are right now with this statement.

Sadie signals once again to the guard, but Declan is prompt this time.

DECLAN

Right.  You know I never meant to hurt anyone.  I think everyone who is willing to announce his or her gender identity--

SADIE

You mean, his or her or their gender identity, right?

DECLAN

Right, right.  Thank you very much.  I think everyone who is willing to announce his or her or their gender identity is a hero.  And I admire each of them very, very much.  They set an example that I would do well to emulate myself.

(beat)

You know, I said some things that did not go over well.

SADIE

Because they were grossly heretical.

DECLAN

Yes, they were.  And I’ve been educating myself a lot since then, and I have learned a great deal by talking to people like you.  And I am very, very grateful for that.

SADIE

Life is an education process, isn’t it?  So, do you feel that your perspective has changed?

DECLAN

Oh, yes, I feel it has.  Significantly.

SADIE

Let’s just see about that.  What is a trapezoid?

DECLAN

Huh?  A quadrilateral with at least one pair of parallel sides, but what does--

Sadie signals to the guard to tighten the screws at once.  The guard does so, and Declan lets out a SHRIEK of pain.

SADIE

Why don’t you try that again, please?  What is a trapezoid?

DECLAN

(in agonizing pain)

I don’t know what you want me to say.

The guard again tightens the screws.  Declan SHRIEKS louder.

SADIE

What is a trapezoid?

DECLAN

I got it now!  I got it now!  Please, stop!

The guard keeps tightening the screws.  More, louder SHRIEKS.

SADIE

So, share with us this new step on your journey.  What is a trapezoid?

DECLAN

(SHRIEKING)

A TRAPEZOID IS A TRAPEZOID-RELATED THING!

Sadie signals to the guard that he should loosen the screws.

SADIE

Isn’t the education process wonderful?

DECLAN

Yes.  Thank you so much.  I have learned a lot.  I really have.

SADIE

And don’t you forget it.  

(beat)

Coming up next is a gay man who refuses to date men with vaginas.  We’ll see what’s up with that.

CHIPPY MUSIC starts playing.

FINIS


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